I am struggling this week.
I thought life was headed one way and then it didn't.
In the aftermath of my emotions skyrocketing and then plummeting, I'm feeling numb, disappointed, a little empty, and a lot unsure.
I am hungry to see clearly God's direction. I am starving to find the verse that makes everything make sense, so I can press into it.
But I have yet to find that verse and I'm feeling, instead, a little dark and a lot like an island.
I overcame one attitude hurdle, and I feel a small victory in that, but the sadness remains.
Inside, it feels like with the change of direction that life took, God is replacing the original plan with a new one, but in the interim, I'm on pause. I don't know that I even agree with the likelihood of that analogy since God always knew that life was going to take this turn. It's not as if He was surprised at the turn of events and had to "scramble" to put together a Plan "B".
Maybe--could it be that I had a clear vision of Plan "A" and I'm scrambling to redirect my thoughts to a Plan "B"?
That's probably much more likely.
Is it okay to feel disappointed?
I think it is, as long as I'm not disrespectful or disobedient in the process.
This dying to self really, really stinks. Especially when what you're dying to is what you thought was God's Will.
I feel a little like how Peter may have felt in Matthew during the Transfiguration. When he awoke to find Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah, he was so excited (and half asleep) that he started rambling on about building three altars; one for each man. God interrupted Peter to tell him to be quiet and listen.
Peter was suggesting something noble and Godly, yet it wasn't what God was asking. God said to Peter:
While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!'" Matthew 17:5
Am I mistakenly offering to build altars?
Am I missing what the Lord is trying to say to me? Am I running ahead, full of noble, yet misplaced, plans and dreams?
I have no answers. But I'll wait here, praising Him and trying very hard to listen while He speaks.