Do you feel like you walk to the beat of your own drummer?
For all who feel like you're JUST off from most of those in your circle.
I'm here to say:
1. You're not alone
2. There's nothing wrong with being different, God made us this way
3. Don't change to "fit in" to someone eles's mold --AND--
4. Being different may not mean what you think it means
See, I've often thought that being different from my friends or those I'm closest to meant that I needed fixing. When I would allow myself to be transparent and let down my guard to share my deepest thoughts or ask the burning questions of my soul, I'd often (and still do) get shut down. The reactions varied from confusion and glazed eyes to "pat" answers like "we'll find out one day" or "I don't think it really matters in the grand scheme of things..."
There are a few things that can make me come unhinged in 2 seconds flat:
1. When my electronics malfunction or die
2. Cupboard doors left open
3. Being shut down
(Not necessarily in that order.)
I've run the gamut on how these reactions make me feel. Sometimes I feel dumb for asking or sharing in the first place. Sometimes I get angry for being made to feel insiginficant or "blown off" and sometimes I clam up and promise myself to 1) change or 2)stop sharing with these people.
It was during a three-day obsessive funk recently that I had a realization...
Being different than someone else, or even different from MOST, does not equal being inferior or "behind" them. In fact, sometimes the things I ruminate on and question are very deep. I believe that instead of squashing these thoughts, I need to stop trying so hard to have others entertain them, understand them, or give me insight on them and rather take them directly to the Lord. I believe that others don't "get" what I'm sharing because they aren't on the same page.
That--being on a different page-- used to intimidate me. It often feels like being inferior. And, as I believe God is revealing to me, that simply isn't always the case.
It's funny, but I've begun to recognize that I have people in my life that I talk to about different things. This friend and I talk about writing and ministry. This friend and I talk about spiritual gifts. This friend and I talk about leadership. This friend and I talk about design. This friend and I can share when we're hanging by an emotional thread and take off the mask of calm and composure. This friend and I don't talk about many deep things at all. And on and on...
I'm learning that I need to acknowledge the "safe topics" with my different friends and not give myself a headache by putting myself in the position of being "shut down." The heartache is simply not worth it when I delve into subjects with those who simply don't understand or care to hear what I have to share.
I realized that I often look at others as being spiritually more mature in certain areas in which I question. Sometimes that's the case. And sometimes I think that, because the Lord has me digging deeper and seeking, He's growing me. I'm not simply settling for comfortable and pat when it comes to understanding God, understanding His ways. and understanding who He has made me to be.
Sometimes God has us on fact-finding, soul-seeking missions with our questions and longings, and sometimes He gives us rest to just be.
I also think some of us are more prone to being "SEEK-ers" and others to being "BE-ers."
I would also dare to say that many who shut us "SEEK-ers" down do so because they don't have the answers and are uncomfortable with saying so. They're comfortable with knowing what they know and being who they are, so those that push the boundaries and ask hard questions bump up against their comfort.
We're all on our own journey and I am only responsible for going where the Lord leads me.
Too often I rely on friends to fill in the blanks of my curiosity and wonder. I look to people to answer questions and guide me into deeper understanding when God is the only One who can. No one "gets" me in certain ways because they were never intended to. God has placed questions on my heart that He has literally DIED To answer. And only Him.
I spent a lot of time recently feeling very lonely, defeated, and disconnected. I ached with wanting to be "fully known" by someone. But after I cried out before the Lord and laid it all before Him, I see now that no one will ever be able to fill that God-sized hole in my life. No one will ever know and understand every part of me--no one except for the one who wrote the blueprint of who I am.
Do you think differently than most? Do you ask hard questions? Do you want to go deeper and understand more?
Are you confident that there's more to life than just what we see? More than what we experience in the everyday mundane?
Don't stop. Keep digging and asking and fleshing it out.
Sojourn on, sister.
If God has placed those desires on your heart, He will be faithful to answer them.
And remember that not everyone will get that.
And that's okay.